I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize