We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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