How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
