oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
