i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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