Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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