Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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