she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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