I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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