On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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