New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
