There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize