Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
