can u get pink eye on your cock?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
