It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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