I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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