They should really pass out barf bags in church
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
