i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
