im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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