the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
