Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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