I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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