If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
This toilet bowl is my home.
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