the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize