Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
