The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
