I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
