There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
