about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
