I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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