Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
