i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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