based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
