Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
