She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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