She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize