dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
