At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
