I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
