Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
