Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
