My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
