If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
