He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He? As in you personified your dick?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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