I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
