So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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