But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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