So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
