Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
