How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
