tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
