i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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