can u get pink eye on your cock?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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